


Got A Secret (Please Keep It)

by nicotinewrites



Series: My Brother [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: African American Morality | Patton Sanders, Agender Dr. Emile Picani, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is Deaf, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, French Sleep | Remy Sanders, French-American Deceit | Janus Sanders, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Transphobia, Latino Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Latino Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Latino Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, M/M, Non-Binary Logic | Logan Sanders, Non-Cis Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Protective Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Quoigender Dark Creativity | Remus Sanders, Suicide mention, Trans Deceit | Janus Sanders, Trans Morality | Patton Sanders, Transphobia mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28198968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicotinewrites/pseuds/nicotinewrites
Summary: Janus has a secret. He knows people will accept him for it, but he's so scared to tell them a truth. After all, when you lie for so long it's hard to know when the lie stops and you begin.
Relationships: (past), Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dot (Cartoon Therapy), Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Larry (Cartoon Therapy), Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Dot (Cartoon Therapy), Deceit | Janus Sanders & Dr. Emile Picani, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Larry (Cartoon Therapy), Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Sleep | Remy Sanders & Dr. Emile Picani, Dot/Larry (Cartoon Therapy), Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders, LAMP (implied- potential)
Series: My Brother [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1798528
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	Got A Secret (Please Keep It)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> So, I deleted this and re-edited it, because I didn't like how had it to begin with.  
> Trigger warnings:  
> Suicide mention;  
> Sex mention;  
> Remus being Remus;  
> Food (barely mentioned, but just in case);  
> Swearing;  
> Dysphoria Mention;  
> Racism Mention;  
> Implied Polyphobia;  
> Implied Transphobia;  
> Bullying;  
> Questioning your Gender (I projected onto V a lot in this fic)  
> Corporal Punishment Mention (Dot offers to pull the Chancleta on V)  
> Paganism Mention (both Remus and Janus are Pagans).  
> That's all! As always, let me know if there's anything I missed. Also, have a wonderful holidays and to those who celebrate it, Merry Christmas from my family to yours :)  
> Ash xx

_Got a secret, can you keep it?_

_Swear, this one you'll save  
  
  
_

Janus- back then Janise Elodie Sanders-Fiable (but he always went by Jan or Jay) was eight and three quarters when he first heard the word “trans”. He remembered it pretty clearly, since it’s what made him realise he was trans. It was Remus who taught it him, back when the chaotic boy thought he was trans himself. They spent a week researching names for what Remus was, but Janus was doing his own research.

Trans-male.

It made sense, being trans. He never felt right as a girl, his chest feeling too feminine and butt too perky. He was thankful his face wasn’t that feminine to begin with, a strong jawline being blessed to him by the Queer Gods. It was his curves he had to worry about, so he covered them up. Just like he covered up his secret.

None of his school-friends, not even Virgil, Roman or Remus, knew about who he really was. He knew it didn’t matter, but he’d been lying to them for so long. He didn’t want to tell them now and watch as his life fell apart. So no-one- apart from Pops and Dot- knew.

That is, until Patton Hart decided to befriend him (for some stupid reason).

Patton was trans. Everyone knew about it. He wore his gender identity the way he wore his sexual identities, wrapped around his shoulders and painted on his locker so everyone knew. Pale blue and pink were his signature colours, and his locker was emblazed with rainbows and red, blue, black and gold. People thought that they could target the soft puffball, and until Remus and Janus took him under their wing, they did. Slurs about his skin colour and identities were said almost every day. Bruises appeared on his skin, blues and purples and greens and yellows, turning the poor boy into a twisted canvas. Whilst Remus and Patton were “dating”, the dickheads finally left him alone. It was probably the only good thing about the fake-relationship-shit that came to be and Janus was kind of thankful.

But then they “broke up” and everything changed. It wasn’t just attacks about his skin colour or identity, but other things too. His hair, his voice, his self-worth. Anything that was a little different or an obvious weak point, the bullies used against him. It led to Patton sobbing in the bathroom every lunchtime, unbeknownst to Janus and the others. Then him and Remus met in the bathroom for some various… activities, and they heard a sob.

“Oh shit. Hey, you ok in there? It’s Remus and Janus. If you want to talk, we’re here. Say the word and we’ll fuck up whoever hurt you.”

“It’s… it’s fine guys. Nothing that bad, seriously. It’s just a bad day is all.”

Remus and Janus shared a look with each other. That was Patton and he passed up a chance to call someone kiddo? To quote Remy, that seemed kinda sus.

“If you don’t open up on a count of five, we’re coming in. 1. 2. 3. 4-”

The door swung open and Remus gasped, looking at Patton’s face. Janus took one look and felt his heart clench. He had red and damp cheeks and red eyes. His nose was wet and his hands were bruised. But most noticeable was the bruises encircling his cheekbones and eyes. He looked over at Remus and his heart lurched, seeing his fists clench and jaw tighten. An angry Remus was a volitale Remus, and that was not the gasoline Janus wanted to add to this already rage dumpster-fire of a situation.

“Ok. Remus, take a deep breath for me love. That’s it. Keep breathing. You’re doing well. Why don’t you go down to the gym and punch your sister for a bit?”

Remus nodded, hands clenching and unclenching. He looked at Patton who brought him in for a hug, wincing when Remus squeezed him tight. Remus quickly let go and ran out of the restroom, the door swinging shut behind him.

“Right. This isn’t the place to have a talk like this. I have somewhere we can go.”

**--**

The café near the park had the best comfort ice-cream. This was evident when Patton’s face practically beamed as he saw the sundae in front of him, shovelling scoop after scoop into his mouth.

“How long has this been going on for?”

“Since… Since Elodie outed me. You know how it is.”

“What do you mean?” Did he know? Did Remus tell him? No, Remus didn’t know so he couldn’t tell him.

“Well, you’ve been a protector of most of the LGBTQ+ kiddos in the school, kiddo. You’re like the Gay Avenger, only scarier.”

Janus breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Oh, yeah that makes sense. It so makes it easier though. I just love seeing people persecuted because of something they can’t change. Especially my friends.”

“We’re friends?”

Janus raised an eyebrow.

“Of course we are. I don’t just let anyone call me Janus and cuddle during movie nights. You’re a friend, Pipsqueak. Deal with it.”

“Pipsqueak. Oh, I love it.”

Janus smirked, resisting the urge to squeeze Patton’s cheeks. He wouldn’t be an Italian Grandma today, thank you very much.

“Yeah yeah. Stop deflecting. We need to talk about this. No-one hurts one of my own and gets away with it. How much do you want revenge? I can hack into the system and bring their grades down, Remus can kill them or we can have petty vengeance.”

“Gee, that seems a little vindictive, kiddo. Um… Just, don’t do anything.”

“Ok, let’s put it this way. If it was Remus that needed helped, what would you do?”

Patton thought about it, and a dark twinkle appeared in his eyes.

“I’d destroy them, one by one. I’d put itching powder in their pants, swap their books out for porn magazines and mix their shampoo with Nair or hairdye in the changing rooms... Why are you looking at me like I gave you a puppy?”

“I knew there was a reason why Remus liked you so much. The cookies are one reason, and the cuteness is another, but the vindictiveness. It’s amazing.”

“Aw, shucks.”

Patton blushed, back to the happy pappy Papa everyone knew so well. It was in that moment that Janus said something he didn’t think he was going to say, but would never regret.

“I’m trans.”

Patton blinked and then smiled, a Cheshire Cat grin that made the nerves in Janus’s face dissipate.

“Thank you for telling me that, kiddo. We can be the Trans Clan. Oh my goodness I love it. I have to tell Re-“

“No! I mean, don’t tell him. He… well, none of them know. Only Pops and Dot- I’m pretty sure anyways, never actually came out to her- know. I want to tell them on my own terms.”

“Ok. But, didn’t you and Remus you know… do the diddly-dance with no pants? Surely he saw it.”

Janus blushed, playing with his fingers.

“He only ever does it from behind, and whenever I’m on top, I never go inside or anything. And I always wore a t-shirt. He’s ok with it, but I’m not. I’m scared to lose him. I just got him back and I can’t… I can’t lose him.”

Patton nodded.

“Well, I’m proud of you for telling me. I won’t push you to tell anyone but just know that if they care for you, they’d accept you. Remus is the most liberal person I know. If anyone doesn’t give a toss, it’s him.”

“Thanks Pipsqueak.”

“Anything for a fellow Trans Clan.”

_Why do you smile like you've been told a secret?_   
_Now you're tellin' lies 'cause you have sworn to keep it_

It was two years later when Janus finally came out to everyone else. It was shortly after Anton’s letter that Janus got to thinking. He trusted everyone now- not that he didn’t before- and wanted to share his secret with them. He knew exactly how he was going to do it too. The plan was simple: Start off small and tell Virgil first. Even though he knew his boyfriend would probably react to it well, he figured he might as well start with his brother since he didn’t want to make him think that he didn’t like him or something. Anxiety wasn’t fun after all.

But, like it always did when he made a plan, it failed the minute he tried to implement it.

“Sorry Jay, but Logan and I had plans to hang out today,” Virgil said, quickly putting his eyeshadow on. “You can come join us if you want.”

Janus shoved down the feeling of disappointment that rose in his chest, not wanting to stop his brother from enjoying spending time with Logan.

“And watch you two make cow-eyes at each other for the entire time? Nah Virge. I’m good.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, trying hard to hide his blush.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I’ll see you later, Jay.”

Janus smirked, finger saluting Virgil.

“Have fun V. Don’t do anything I would do. Remember to wrap it before you tap it.”

Virgil flicked him off, blush growing even more, before heading down the stairs and leaving the house. As he left, Janus’s smirk fell off his face and he proceeded to collapse onto his brother’s bed face-first. Welp, the plan failed. Obviously the universe was telling him not to come out to anyone. Well thanks for the message universe. It’s been received.

A phone ringing broke Janus out of his self-deprecating spiel, Too Sexy For My Shirt playing. He grabbed his phone, pressed answer and got himself ready for what he was about to see.

“Hey J-anus!” Remus yelled, half-naked with some phallic looking object- Janus really hoped it wasn’t a dildo- strapped to his head. “Where’s Virgil? I was hoping he’d be here so I could scar him. How’s your brother bonding going anyways?”

Janus rolled his eyes, trying hard to hide his blush at Remus’s toplessness. He also tried hard to shove down his dysphoria that came up whenever he saw a masculine chest, wishing his chest was like that. Realising he was staring, Janus quickly cleared his throat. He did not want to start anything whilst dysphoric and with his Pops in the house, thank you very much.

“Amazingly,” He drawled, knowing Remus would know exactly what he was saying. “He totally didn’t leave because he made plans with Logan or anything.”

“Seriously? You reckon they’re going to fuck?”

Janus pulled a disgusted face, feeling sick to his stomach at the idea of his brother doing anything like _that._

“Remus! That’s my brother you’re talking about. Gross.”

“Oh c’mon, we both know it’s probably going to happen if they get together. Who knows, maybe soon Virgey will be regaling us with stories of his first time.”

“You do realise it’ll probably be with your sibling too right?” Janus asked, wanting to make Remus feel as disgusted as he was. He may be a little vindictive, but who cared? Janus certainly didn’t.

“Ok, first: how dare you. You can’t just turn it around on me like that. It’s my job to blurt out the gross thoughts in our relationship, not yours. And second, if they were all to get into a relationship together, Ro probably wouldn’t want to have sex with them for a while. Dysphoria and all that.”

That thing about the universe telling him not to come out? That obviously wasn’t the case. This was his chance. His chance to tell Remus the truth. The chance to put the pain of not telling him aside and also, just finally be honest with someone his age who wasn’t Pipsqueak.

At the same time, though, Janus knew it wouldn’t be that simple. Remus would have questions and Janus would have no choice but to reply. He’d probably ask about the times they had sex and would immediately realise why he tried to kill himself that time (the dysphoria was so bad he felt like he would never see the light of day again). He didn’t feel like answering his questions. He knew he could just say no, but that meant he would just ask later and he didn't want that either. He should have told him the minute he realise-

“Jay? Sweetheart? You ok?”

Janus nodded, fake-smiling.

“Ok. So, as I was saying: We hide dildos in Moaning Emo’s room and make them light up. Then we attach a dildo and a knife to the Roomba and make it attack him. That would drive him to your room where we can trap him with cuddles, horror movies and aggressively interrogate him about his relationship development. Sound good?”

“Sounds great, mon nounours.”

**--**

“I uh… I’m trans.”

“We know.”

“How?” Janus asked, smoothing his hair back and looking Remy and Em in the eye.

“I’m nonbinary trans, Jay. You think I can’t recognise a fellow Transclan? Plus, I found your T needle a while ago now. Figured it was that and not drugs. Also, Patton might have accidently told me whilst venting? He still feels bad to this day though, so don’t give him any grief.”

Janus nodded.

“So, how did the others take it? Patton obviously loves you now. What about Re and Virge? They better love you or I’ll fuck them up.”

“I uh… I haven’t told them. I intend to, I promise. It’s just hard. I wanted to tell Virgil before anyone else but that hasn’t happened. And Remus, well. I’m scared. I’m so scared, ma crevette. I can’t…”

Janus started crying, Em quickly running around to wrap their arms around him.

“Shhh. Don’t you cry. We’re going to help you, ok? You don’t deserve to live like this. You don’t have to give them the truth, but I know what you’re like. People call you Deceit, but you’re one of the sincerest people I know. As a fellow Transclan, it’s my duty to help you on this.”

_Why when we do our darkest deeds do we tell?  
They burn in our brains, become a living hell_

Janus didn’t come out to Remus or Virgil. It’s not like he was avoiding it. Actually, he had a whole plan- his fellow Transclan and Remy tried to help, but that involved rainbow glitter and a stripclub so no thank you. But then he ended up telling Dot (since his boyfriend and his brother were hanging out) whilst they were cooking.

“So, hypothetically speaking of course, what would you say to someone if they came out as trans but they knew for many years.”

“Well, I would be pleased with them for coming out. I’d cook a big dinner, make some treacle tart since I know it’s y- their favourite. Then I’d give them a massive hug and take them to pride.”

Janus nodded.

“I’m trans.”

Dot smiled, engaging him in a hug and kissing his cheek. He swiped the lipstick off his chin and she chuckled, kissing him on the head just to annoy him.

“I know. Why do you think we’re having treacle tart? It’s what, the third anniversary of you being on T right? That’s a big deal, hon.”

Janus smiled, blushing.

“So, how did Virgil react? Do I need to have a strong word with him? You two haven’t been around each other lately.”

“Haven’t told him yet. Nor Remus. I’ve just been too scared. I know they won’t react in an awful way but they still could, you know? And I’ve kept this secret for so long that I don’t know how to share it. They’re two of the most important people in my life now, and losing them is something I’d never want to happen- why are you smiling like that?”

“When you and nene first met, back when Rae was alive, I never thought you two would see each other as brothers. I’m so glad you think he’s important to you. But please hon, don’t worry about what he thinks about you. I raised that boy to be accepting, and if he has a problem then I’ll make sure to get the chancleta out, ok? Why don’t you arrange to go to the café at the park for dinner instead of here? You can take Remus and nene out and, if you want to, tell them your secret.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, hon. I am. Your pops and I haven’t had a date for a long while. I promise I’ll save you the tart.”

“Gracias Mama.”

Janus froze, realising what he said. He was about to take it back, only to see Dot’s smiling face, eyes shining with unshed tears.

“De nada, culberito. Now go. I need to set the kitchen up for a date. We don’t have any candles here do we?”

“I have some in my room. Just don’t use the ones from the shrine.”

Dot nodded, running up the stairs. She reminded Janus so much of Virgil that he chuckled, grabbing his phone and heading out to the café.

This was it. He was either going to be accepted for who he was, or push away two of the best people in his life.

**--**

Janus fiddled with his trouser leg, cuffed hems showing a tan slip of leg. He took deep breaths, calming himself down before Virgil and Remus arrived. He sat at his usual spot in the Ice Café, eating his cookie dough explosion to calm his nerves.

“Sup Jay.”

“Hey sweetheart. So, I’m guessing this isn’t an orgy? Shame. And here I was thinking I’d get nailed from both sides.”

“Dude. That would be incest.”

“It’s not incest if it doesn’t go in.”

Virgil and Janus shared a look, sighing in defeat. The chaotic trash rat was given that name for a reason.

“As much as I love this place, why are we here? What’s wrong? Did I do something?”

“No, Vee. I swear to you that you didn’t. I just, I need to tell you something.” Janus fiddled with his fingers, breathing deeply in order to calm down.

“Fuck it. I’m trans.”

“And I’m secretly a clown here to drag you back to my sewer. Joking about your gender isn’t funny, Deceit.”

Janus tried hard to shove down his tears but they only appeared with more force. His body shook as a sob wrenched free from his body. He felt arms wrap around his body and a hand gently press his face into his neck. Even though he couldn’t see, he didn’t have to have eyes to know how viciously Remus was glaring at Virgil.

“Listen you fucker. You have ten seconds to get out here before I beat your ass and kill you. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.”

A chair scraped loudly and Janus could practically see his brother (if he could still call him that) run down the stairs.

“Don’t you dare listen to him, ok Jay? You don’t… I l… I still see you as my boyfriend, regardless of you being trans or not. Unless boyfriend isn’t a good term for me to use? You’re not mtf are you?”

Janus shook his head.

“I’m afab.”

“Ok. I’ll tell you what I told Ro when she came out. Gender is a device used to control citizens into compliance with society’s dogma. Fuck gender. Identify as whatever you want to identify as. As long as you’re not hurting people, who gives a fuck?”

Janus smirked.

“You stole my monologue.”

“It’s a damn good monologue sweetheart.”

Janus placed a kiss onto Remus’s neck and lent back, tangling their hands together. Then his mind drifted onto Virgil’s reaction.

“Don’t even go there, sweetheart. I know what you’re thinking, and you definitely didn’t fuck up. That fucker is going through his own shit right now. Who knows? Maybe he’s secretly hiding his own gender crisis and felt ostracised because he thought you were pranking him.”

Janus rolled his eyes and the two laughed. Remus came up with some God-tier shit sometimes ~~(but unbeknownst to them, he was right).~~

**--**

Virgil fucked up. ~~She~~ He accused Janus, fucking Janus of all people, of being a transphobe, feeling a little bit like a caged animal. But why? He wasn’t trans (fae used to think e was, but that’s a story for another time). He also knew he wasn’t exactly cis either. Not because he liked skirts and dresses, but because of how he felt whenever he wore them. He felt almost like a girl. That wasn’t possible though, right?

A flash of his- her, their, xir, ver?- phone broke them out of their thoughts. Ve picked up, hands shaking. Remus appeared on video, and fuck he looked pissed.

“You fucked … Borrasca. You better … a good fucking reason or I’ll rip …… eyes and use them … chewing gum.”

“I…I’m sorry. Is Jay ok?”

“Yes, … is. … thanks …… though. You fucking made … cry, gillipogas. Me cago en ti.”

“ _I’m so sorry, Re. I just… I panicked. I thought he was taking the piss out of me and the other non-cis people and I just lashed out. It doesn’t excuse what I did, but I’m so fucking sorry.”_

_“What do you mean, … and the other non-cis people? Please don’t …… you’ve been hiding … own identity. What ………… not living … own truth? I swear to fucking Goddess.”_

This was Virgil’s chance. He wanted to say it in English though, because saying it in his first or second language would be too hard. It would be admitting something he wasn’t ready to fully come to terms with. But fuck did he want to.

“I uh… I think I might be genderfluid? Is that allowed? Am I allowed to be that? I don’t want Remy and Roman to think I’m copying them because I’m not. And ai hostia, I thought Jay… _I thought Jay was taking the piss so I lashed out. It was reflexive and didn’t even make sense. I… oh fuck I’m so sorry. Please, please don’t hurt me.”_

Remus visibly inhaled, purposely breathing slowly so Virgil could match his breathing. Usually it worked, but not now.

 _“Fuck, it’s… it’s not work-ing-ing. Plea-s-s-s-se, I need h-help. Please. Jay!_ Janus! **Janus**! _”_

In just a few seconds, though it felt like forever, Virgil felt Janus sit by her.

“Hey Vee. Can I touch you?”

 _“Please…_ I mean, please. I mean-”

Janus’s arms wrapped around Virgil, gently pulling xem in close.

“ _Feel … heartbeat. Try … breathe … with it. Can you do that ma têmpete?”_

Virgil nodded.

“That’s great. You’re doing so well ma têmpete. ………”

After a long time- with Remus watching on the phone, remorse apparent in his eyes as he hung up, Janus signing he’d text later- the tight feeling in Virgil’s chest abated, and he sobbed into Janus’s neck.

“ _I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so happy you came out to me. It takes a lot of trust I know. I’m sorry I fucked up.”_

_“Shh, ma têmpete. I’m ok. I’m not going anywhere, ok love? We’re ok.”_

_“But I insulted you.”_

_“And I … made fun of … signing. We both … up before. We’ll both fuck … again.”_

_“I shouldn’t have though. I should have… Should have known you were telling the truth.”_

_“Why? Why should … be held …… different standard than the others?”_

_“Because…_ Because I’m not cis. I don’t think so a-anyways. I don’t know what I am, but I’m not always a boy. I think I’m fluid, but I’m not sure. I’m so sorry I invalidated you, Jay. If that’s a name I can still call you?”

Jay nodded, holding Virgil closer.

“I’m female to male, … I’ve always gone by Jay. I can’t say I’m not mad at you, but I understand why you reacted the way you did. I just wish … could have told … sooner.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow and Jay chuckled, leaning back onto the bed and shifting so Virgil could read his lips.

“Ok, yeah. I’m .. hypocrite. We’re both idiots.”

Virgil smiled at that, eyes glistening and breathing still a little erratic.

“You …, it’s half-past five. Mind if I stay here, like old times?”

Virgil nodded and Janus shifted again, wrapping one arm around Virgil and the other stroking their hair.

“Get some sleep, Vee. I’ll be here when … wake up. …….”

**Author's Note:**

> The next part should be up soon. I have no schedule though, so we'll see what happens. Exams are kicking my arse and my mental health is non-existent. But see you next time :)


End file.
